Drained

 
                 Being the most socially awkward person on the planet comes with no effort for me. I tend to blame it on my childhood but it's hard not to when I've been like this literally my whole life. I was hidden and sheltered from society for far to long. It damaged me and I'm old enough now to where I'm forced and have no choice but to suffer the consequences.
        I've never had more than maybe two good friends, and by good I mean maybe I'd see them once a week at church and we'd possibly talk afterwards before we parted ways where they'd go about their lives and I'd sit in my room trying to find something to do until the next Sunday comes along.
       Eventually I realized the reality that people were uncomfortable around me. Why wouldn't they be when I was uncomfortable around my own self? As a result I dropped into depression and became what everybody called an "emo", I didn't really notice my change in appearance but I did admire the style and I think I found a little of who I was.
                           I'm all about peace, love, unity... and quotes from the beetles. But I  have a darker edgy side of me that I chose to show through my style. I'm no expert but judging by what I've noticed in myself, I think it shows the lonelier side of me, the side that even though is all about being one with the world and nature, is also saying I may not be as weak as you think. Unfortunately that's something inside me I still have to find.

         So here I am 20 years old, the only close friends I had all moved out of state and might even forget about me. I'm still here in the town I grew up in wanting some new people in my life. That change started when I met my boyfriend over a year and a half ago. He's my best friend and we stick to each other no matter what is going on in our lives. However being such a lonely girl for so long who had nobody outside of family, I may be guilty of the urge to cling. Could be because I'm afraid to lose him since I've lost everybody who's ever been close to me, could be because I never knew what it was like to be in a serious relationship, could be all of the above.
     He's the kind of guy who you either will love or hate because he's not afraid to offend or state his opinion, but he defiantly has more lovers than haters. He's got lots of friends and always has, we have two completely different backgrounds that aren't even close to being similar, he's open, loud, funny, loves people and especially loves to talk. I'm the exact opposite, but I think that balances us out for the better. So because of his busy life he's always getting asked to go to parties, and to hang out, and go to the bar and other events. Being still under age I've been staying home alone a lot, the other reason I stay is that my anxiety is so damn out of control that I can't even be around anybody new without feeling sick to my stomach and wanting nothing but to go home. Which is the most frustrating feeling ever because I want a life like his. I want to go out, have fun, make friends and be worry free. But something is holding me back.
                   
            I literally feel like somebody has their arms wrapped so tightly around me that I can't break free to move forward. What's scary is that it can be an actual physical feeling sometimes. I over think things when he tells me he's going to go out without me. I don't assume he's cheating... but I can't help but to think I'm completely out of his thoughts and his mind is elsewhere because I feel like I don't matter. Not necessarily to him... but to everybody else. I know of many people who would only hang out with me because they feel sorry for me. That is seriously the worst thing you could possibly do to me in my fragile state of drained self esteem. I'm better off sitting alone in the corner ignoring your pity. 
               Next month is the first therapy appointment of my life.... if this doesn't change me i don't know what will.